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Sexual Desire Mismatch Is More Common Than You Think
Have you ever been concerned because your partner's sexual desire is excessive? Or have you ever wondered if you are abnormal because your sexual desire is greater than your partner's? Relax! These are not big issues. This discrepancy in intimate demands is widespread that it is referred to as sexual desire mismatch.
A national poll of British adults found that 27.4% of women and 23.4% of men reported that their sexual desires did not match those of their partners.[1] In addition, sexual desire mismatch exists in both homosexual and heterosexual populations, independent of sexual orientation.
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Sexual Desire Mismatch Means a Bad Relationship?
We may believe that the more "synchronized" two people's sexual desire, the better their relationship will be. However, study has shown that things are not so straightforward.
In 2020, researcher Kim and his colleagues conducted a survey of 366 couples to see whether "sexual desire consistency" may improve relationship satisfaction.[5][6] The findings revealed that spouses with compatible sexual interests are not necessarily happier than those with incompatible sexual desires. So, what factors affect relationship satisfaction?
Further studies revealed that the key is not "whether your sexual desires are the same or not," but rather how much you want each other.
For example:
A couple has minimal sexual interest for one other, and although their sexual preferences are "matched", their relationship may not be healthy; While another couple has similar sexual desires, their relationship is more intimate and fulfilling.
Therefore, whether a relationship is good or bad is determined primarily by how much you desire each other. Even if your sexual needs do not match, as long as you still have feelings, love, and desire for each other, your relationship can be great.
The Surprising Reasons Behind Sexual Desire Mismatch
What we call sexual desire mismatch is more of a subjective evaluation, such as measuring the degree of sexual desire by saying "he/she wants more than me" or "I want more than him/her". If we solely follow this standard, we will conclude that men are typically the more sexually active parties.
In fact, many aspects, such as physiological, psychological, and pathological factors, influence the levels of sexual desire in different genders and individuals.
（1）Physiological Factors Related to Sexual Desire Mismatch
①Different Life Cycles of Sexual Desire in Men and Women
According to studies, male testosterone surges during adolescence (about 20 years old), peaks in sexual desire, and then gradually drops throughout life, whereas female sexual desire slowly increases and peaks around 30 years old. [7][9] By the way, 11 Oyster Sex Candy is a natural aphrodisiac candy that suitable for men who want to keep desire high.
②Different Patterns of Fluctuations in Sex Hormone Levels
Most women's oestrogen levels gradually climb to a high during the ovulation phase (typically the 14th day of the 28-day cycle from the last menstrual period to the next menstrual period), and their desire for sex grows in response. A week following ovulation, oestrogen levels decline, and so does the urge for sex. However, women with irregular menstrual cycles may experience different levels of sexual desire, as the sexual desire during ovulation is linked to hormone release. Men's testosterone levels, on the other hand, are typically high and constant, resulting in more consistent sexual desire than women.
③Sexual Arousal Is Not Synchronized
In general, desire precedes arousal in men, while arousal precedes desire in women. As a result, even when males are physically and intellectually prepared, women's bodies are likely to take longer to respond.
Men are usually in a condition of "latent desire". Therefore, when males experience direct sensory stimulation, their bodies naturally develop sexual arousal responses, which they can recognize rapidly. However, women will not be sexually aroused until they experience numerous sexual stimulation from their partners, such as touch, smell, kiss, and so on, and only after sexual arousal will they sense sexual desire.
（2）Psychological Factors Related to Sexual Desire Mismatch
①The Source of Desire Varies Over Time
Desire may stem from the partner's surface characteristics (such as affinity, physical attractiveness) in the early stages of a relationship because people are more concerned with how to move from stranger to close and feel the passion of love;in the later stages of a relationship, desire is more likely to stem from the partner's deep characteristics (such as emotional sensitivity and responsiveness).[8]
In other words, if a couple has been together for a long period, physical attraction alone is insufficient. If one believes the partner is unable to provide adequate emotional companionship or actively respond to love, they may lose sexual interest.
②Behaviors Cause Decreased Libido
While a decline in libido is typical in long-term partnerships, psychologists believe that resentful sentiments, such as complaints, critiques, and unspoken hatred towards a partner, are the primary cause of libido loss.
（3）Pathological Factors Related to Sexual Desire Mismatch
①Men Sexual Dysfunction
Men sexual dysfunction disorders include premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and ejaculation dysfunction, all of which have a significant impact on sexual life.[4] Sexual desire will be impaired to varying degrees during this stage. Men can choose to take some sex enhancement drugs to improve the situation. However, most of the drugs have side effects. If you do not want to experience this. You cam try to find a natural aphrodisiac, such as a sex candy made by natural aphrodisiac ingredients, to help to get a harder and longer erection.
②Women Sexual Dysfunction
Women sexual dysfunction is primarily defined as a malfunction of one or more links in women's sexual response cycles, as well as sexually related suffering. Although the challenges vary, they primarily contain the following four situations:
Sexual desire disorder: it is classified as either poor sexual desire or sexual aversion. The former can be defined as a lack of or reduced desire and interest in sex, whilst the latter is more of a psychological phobia or anxiety problem.
Sexual arousal disorder: it refers to the inability to acquire adequate sexual excitement despite numerous efforts and attempts.
Orgasm disorder: it precisely refers to the fact that everything previously went properly, but no matter how hard you try, orgasm is difficult to achieve or is delayed.
Sexual intercourse pain disorder: it is defined as occasional, constant, or recurring pain during sexual activity that interferes with normal sexual progression.
Why We Don’t Talk About Sexual Desire Mismatch?
A study published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2010 reported that among a group of college students, 25% of men and 50% of women faked orgasms; among participants who had vaginal intercourse, 28% of men and 67% of women said they had faked orgasms.[10]
Why do so many people prefer to fake orgasms to deceive their partners and themselves rather than communicate their sexual needs with their partners when their desires are clearly unequal, or they simply cannot get pleasure from sex, or they simply do not want to have sex?
People are reluctant to discuss sexual incompatibility in relationships because they fear conflict, and there are serious psychological issues underlying this "avoiding conflict" behaviour.
①Fear of Destroying Intimate Relationships
Many people think that arguments will arise after sensitive topics are brought up, and that arguments will cause relationships to become strained or even end. They would rather repress their underlying discontent than have the courage to express their actual wants in order to preserve the appearance of tranquilly.
②Fear of Affecting Partner's Emotions
Some people worry that their expression will make their significant other feel unwelcome, blamed, or denied. Despite the possibility that their relationship may get more strained over time, they would prefer feel offended than cause their spouse to suffer.
③Fear of Being Ashamed by Showing Your Feeling
It takes a certain degree of bravery to express your sexual demands or preferences because sex is a very intimate matter. You can feel denied or humiliated if your spouse doesn't accept it, so you might choose to keep quiet and avoid bringing up this potentially awkward subject.
How to Tackle Sexual Desire Mismatch?
Psychologist Laura Vowels and her colleague Kristen Mark from the University of Southampton conducted a study called Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships,which invited 229 adults in relationships to describe the strategies they used to resolve sexual desire differences with their partners.[3] The results of this study were published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, and there are five effective methods that may help you:
①Disengagement
This strategy refers to individuals who choose to temporarily withdraw from sexual interactions in order to reduce conflict or emotional stress. This behavior may be manifested by actively avoiding sexual behavior, distracting attention through activities such as work, exercise, or recreation, or reducing emotional and physical intimacy, or even responding with indifference or anger in an attempt to relieve the discomfort caused by the difference in sexual desire.
②Communication
Communication is a strategy to express sexual desire-related needs, concerns and expectations through verbal or non-verbal means, aiming to promote mutual understanding and compromise. This approach may include frankly discussing differences in sexual desire, explaining the reasons for not wanting or willing to have sex, and jointly negotiating the frequency and limits of sexual behavior, thereby establishing clear expectations and boundaries and enhancing the harmony of intimate relationships.
③Engagement in Activity Without Partner
This refers to the individual's autonomous way of regulating or satisfying sexual desire to alleviate the mismatch between sexual desire and that of their partner.[2] Such strategies usually include masturbation, watching pornography, or using sex toys, which can release sexual tension without relying on a partner and may also become an alternative way to maintain sexual satisfaction.
④Engagement in Activity Together
Engaging in activities together can enhance emotional connection between partners through non-sexual intimate behaviors, thereby maintaining intimacy and satisfaction in the relationship despite sexual discord. Such strategies include physical contact such as kissing, hugging, and holding hands, as well as daily activities together such as watching a movie, cooking, or taking a walk, while also emphasizing providing emotional support and showing empathy to promote understanding and connection.
⑤Having Sex Anyway
This refers to the situation where one party still chooses to have sex in a situation where sexual desire is inconsistent, often for the motivation of maintaining the relationship, pleasing the partner or avoiding conflict. This strategy may be manifested in sexual behavior agreed to out of a sense of responsibility or love, "compromise" sexual interaction that is not completely spontaneous but still acceptable, or trying to arouse one's own or the other's sexual desire through role-playing and sexual creativity, thereby achieving a certain degree of coordination and intimacy.
Reference
[1] Willoughby, Brian J; Vitas, Jennifer (Apr 2012). "Sexual Desire Disorder: The Effect of Individual Differences in Desired and Actual Sexual Frequency on Dating Couples". Archives of Sexual Behavior. 41 (2): 477–86.
[2] Baumeister, R.F.; Cantanese, K.R.; Vohs, K.D. (2001). "Is there a gender difference in strength of sex drive? Theoretical views, conceptual distinctions, and a review of relevant evidence". Personality and Social Psychology Review. 5 (3): 242–273.
[3] Huston, T. L.; Vangelisti, A. L. (1991). "Socioemotional behavior and satisfaction in marital relationships: A longitudinal study". Journal of Personality & Social Psychology. 61 (5): 721–733.
[4] Van Goozen, S. H. M.; Cohen-Kettenis, P. T.; Gooren, L. J. G.; Frijda, N.H.; VandePoll, N.E. (1995). "Gender differences in behaviour: Activating effects of cross-sex hormones". Psychoneuroendocrinology. 20 (4): 343–363.
[5] Mark, K. P.; Murray, S. H. (2012). "Gender differences in desire discrepancy as a predictor of sexual and relationship satisfaction in a college sample of heterosexual romantic relationships". Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. 38 (2): 198–215.
[6] Milhausen, Robin R.; Herold, Edward S. (1999). "Does The Sexual Double Standard Still Exist? Perceptions of University Women". The Journal of Sex Research. 36 (4): 361–368.
[7] Bridges, Sara K.; Horne, Sharon G. (January 2007). "Sexual Satisfaction and Desire Discrepancy in Same Sex Women's Relationships". Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 33 (1): 41–53.
[8] Beck, J. G.; Bozman, A. W.; Qualtrough, T. (1991). "The experience of sexual desire: Psychological correlates in a college sample". Journal of Sex Research. 28 (3): 443–456.
[9] Sherwin, B (1992). "Menopause and sexuality". Canadian Journal of Obstetrics/Gynecology & Women's Health Care. 4: 254–260.
[10] Baumeister, R. F.; Bratslavsky, E. (1999). "Passion, intimacy, and time: Passionate love as a function of change in intimacy". Personality and Social Psychology Review. 3 (1): 49–67.
